1) if a girl says she's not interested, she's NOT interested!
2) when asking a girl out, do NOT insult her in any way!
3) compliment something about the girl's outfit, regardless as to whether you like it or not.
4) mentioning other girls is a big NO!
5) don't make the girl pay for herself, even if she offers.
6) be a gentleman (pull her chair out for her, open the car door, pay, whatever works)
7) BE ON TIME (it may seem dorky, but the girl will appreciate it)

Libetsa

Simply mention, even in passing, HIV to any black brother and you will be met by strong denials – "Hayi, mina I don't have Z3/ bioslim / okumhlophe/ Hlengiwe Ivy Vilakazi and so on."

Men, for some bizarre reason, cannot call the virus by its name. I swear it's as if by the mere mention of it they will simply get infected.

Strangely enough none of them are HIV positive, even though many have never been tested. I was sharing with colleagues how terrified I was when I went for an HIV test when a male colleague proudly announced that he doesn't have that "shandis" (that thing).

All his girlfriends (I didn't bother to ask how many) have healthy babies! "Sho sho mfana," a couple of male colleagues said, congratulating their friend on his HIV negative status. Inexperienced with this method of "testing", I asked them what he meant.

I was schooled that if a guy needs to find out his status the best way is to get a "fresh" girl and impregnate her. If the baby turns out "fine" and the mother is still breathing and shows no signs of weight loss after a couple of months after the baby's birth, then kumoja (it's alright).

This new lease on life gives the guy a stamp of approval to continue gallivanting. Months later another victim would be organised to make sure that he is still "clean" and on the right path. And if the baby turns out to be positive, I asked.

The shocking response was that it can never happen, because if you choose the right girl (meaning she must be a virgin, church going or fat) you can never get it. Apparently, these young women are immune from getting infected.

If by some stroke of bad luck he starts losing his appetite, sweating at night and gets idrop (a sexually transmitted disease), the young girl is to be accused of witchcraft.

Most men can never face up to the fact that they are positive. To be fair, it's not easy for any human being. It's just that men always find someone to blame for the promiscuous behaviour, which leads to this harsh reality.

A family member (depending on who he hates the most), an easy-target neighbour or indeed one of his many girlfriends, will be accused of witchcraft.

Thousands of rands will be spent on so-called sangomas who will do their best to out the evil person who has placed a "speed trap" (a curse called umeqo in Zulu, which the victim has to step over to catch it) on him.

I think I should have called the police to arrest those men. But then again, the police would have to arrest millions of brothers who believe in this method of testing. A woman is never safe, I conclude.

Back in the day we were used as fertility testers by men who were unsure of their childbearing efforts. Now men can joyously test their HIV status. Pathetic!

What do you think of the way many men are testing their HIV status? Share your thoughts

Sbu is the Editor of Move! magazine. Check her out in the latest issue now!

This article was taken from Women24.com

Sbu

COULD Dudu Bhengu be crowned the Phat Queen at the en of year?

It seems the lovely lady and brother to Fat cats player Gaba Bhengu is the only candidate for the coverted award.

Mss Bhengu has attended almost all the matches with the Cats, including the first match at a rain soaked Lombardy East grounds.

She had to endure many defeats as well as many memorable victories. She also had to stand in cold weather as she spured her favourite team on.

"She is truly a great example of how a fat spledges their support to their team," said Fat Cats director Lesiba Langa.

"I sometimes fell very ashamed that she comes there on her free Sunday afternoon and has to go through some of our losses," added the club's chairman.

webmaster

Hoe lyk it mense,

PS: I have an Editor who checks my letters before I send them, and where you see the title Ed, it means its a comment by the editor. Never mind the crime, lets focus on the bankrupting of literacy in the country.

Its 17:52 right now, the sun is still out, 24 degrees, (Dont ask me to convert that into Fahrenheit, I might be living in London but I am not very cosmopolitan, you now).

I promised my critics (and Editor)  I would keep my columns as short as possible, and not swear so much, so lets not hang around on ceremony, and get this ball rolling.

Now vs Then - VH-1 do it, so why cant I!

Then  worked for Discovery Health, 1st floor, girls, bright future
Now  work as a temp doing credit control for an up-and-coming company called PO Nedlyd-Maersk (sic), on the 31st floor, London financial district. Yes, I still do have a problem with heights, but I suppose the free lunch I get makes it worthwhile!

Then  - a holiday was going to Warmbaths for the weekend
Now  meeting up with 2 mates from SA in 3 weeks, off to Amsterdam for a weekend to go get wrecked.

Then  was a Newcastle United FC supporting neanderthal
Now  still a Newcastle United FC supporting neanderthal  ( Ed: Sh!thead went to Stamford Bridge 3 week ago,  to go see the stadium ( home of the FA Champions Chelsea), and he even tried to organise tickets  Wheres the f*ck!ng integrity, punk)

Then  lived in a spacious 3 bedroom villa in Honeydew, and had MNET
Now  live in a cramped 3 bedroom flat, no SKY, but at least we have ITV2,and can still enjoy a reading from Dr Zeus.

Then  drank cider ( Ed: how gay is that! Real guys  drink beer. I dare you to show me a movie where Chuck Norris/Samual L Jackson/Mantu Holomisa walks into a bar and orders Redds/Hunters)
Now  get pissed on 2 pints of Fosters ( Ed: How low can you get, getting wasted on Aussie beer  like that  song by Pink goes,  You make me sick)

Then wore jeans and takkies to work
Now  tie, smart shoes, look like a prat, feel like a prat, but a prat with class! Do 2 prats make a pretzel!

Then  thought Latvia was a former Eastern bloc state, North-East of Siberia
Now  Latvia is damn hot, I saw her on page 3 of The Mirror

Then  - Steers and Mac D
Now  Burger King ( Hoooorah)

I have been busier than a one legged man at an arse kicking contest. This new job I have is really taking the best out of me. Yes, I know I said that I didnt want to go back into the corporate world, but I had no choice. I spent a week doing Telesales, selling SKY TV  and it was terrible. Man, I would rather be a  gigolo servicing the ladies at The St Marys Retirement Home for elderlys with leprosy, than do that shyte again.

Started earning pounds  its  painfull to spend pounds when you earn/were earning in Rands.

I really havent found time do much else, but will be able to do so now that things are becoming a bit more settled. Still cant find my comfort zone, though. I wont be travelling much for now  maybe 3 or 4 trips, with the rest next year after saving up, and surviving winter .

Some of you have been dying to ask me questions. I have some specially selected questions, and my answers:

Got laid yet?   A: No, not yet, and a gentleman never tells anyway ( ED: wanka alert)

Do you miss everyone at home? A: No, not yet, except on days when I do miss them

Been to any concerts yet ?  A: No, but organising to go see Em and 50  - they are currently on the last leg of their Anger management tour. Rohan, there is a good chance of me seeing NIN when they come over.

About the girls, not even 1st base??  A: Look, I have been busy, but lets not split hairs about this, these things take time, you know?

But so many girls, and..?  Fc*k off!?!?!? Next question please  ( Ed: due to the excessive foul language, we recommend PG  for those under 18)

Pictures? A: Yeah, I got a couple pictures of me at Buckingham palace. Oh, and me at Stamford bridge, you should see that stadium, holds 44 000 people, stands 30 feeet blah blah blah blah

Dude, sounds like your adventures would make Alan Quartemain gay with envy, but whats up with going to go see a club you dont even support? A: Eat shyte, f*ckhe~d! This Q&A is over!

Special mentions/guests on the list

Morne  for finally getting engaged to Vicky!
But please,  dont name your kids after you, or use a name like CJ, JG, DJ etc. Yes, I know I am stereotyping, but man, thats so old school. Try Jose Hendrik Meyer, or Pieter Ricardo Meyer!

Andre  - from big pimpin, to being a big daddy
Nerds  dome proud, boys!
Jane - for finally writing back
Fabes - please send me your address,will have the bag delivered toi you - sorry about that
Issaam  I will only be able to join you guys on Friday evening, Saturday, and then must fly out on Sunday evening to be back at work Monday morning
Malief  cant access the site, please email me the FC articles

Riccardo M  for helping a brother out with refs. Im a man of integrity, and have always maintained that in Africa, theres always room for a brother at the top ( Ed: Integrity, a bit rich coming from Mr I-drink-Auzzie-booze-and-buy-tickets-for-a-club-I-dont-even-support)

Discovery/KI folks/ and everyone else feeling leftout  sorry I didnt come around to see you guys, but rest assured that every breath I take, every move I make, every crap I take, Ill be missing you.

To every one else, I need you guys to be like the CNN weather channel  constant updates. BUT PLEASE MAIL ME ON MY GMAIL ACCOUNT  kabeloweb@gmail.com.

Cheers,

Kabelo

Mobile - 07963 953 109

KB in UK

A law student was so bored with his final year paper that he stood up in the middle of the exam and asked his girlfriend to marry him.

Student Edin Smailovic, 29, requested permission to address the rest of the students during an economic law exam at Bijelo Polje University in Montenegro.

Examiners gave their permission believing he had a query regarding the paper that was also of importance to the rest of the group.

But after approaching the front of the room he got down on one knee and asked his 26-year-old girlfriend, Edita Bikic, who was also sitting the exam, to marry him.

"I had planned to take Edita on holiday to Egypt after our exams were over and propose there, but I was so bored with the paper and so excited about the prospect of getting married that I decided I had to ask her there and then," said Smailovic.

Edita said "yes" and the couple are to marry later this month, local daily Glas Javnosti reported.

www.ananova.com

Doctors had to be called to separate the bride and best man after they were caught in the act during a wedding in Croatia.

The couple were trapped together by a muscle spasm after a friend of the groom walked in on them as they had sex in the toilets.

Unable to be pulled apart, the couple had to endure a procession of wedding guests who came to see what they had been doing before doctors could turn up.

Unable to help, they had to transport the pair on a stretcher to the local hospital where she was given an injection to relax her muscles, allowing the best man to get free.

The wedding party in Varazdin, Croatia, continued after the groom announced the celebrations were to mark his divorce rather than his wedding, reported daily Slobodna Dalmacija.

www.ananova.com

Doctors had to be called to separate the bride and best man after they were caught in the act during a wedding in Croatia.

The couple were trapped together by a muscle spasm after a friend of the groom walked in on them as they had sex in the toilets.

Unable to be pulled apart, the couple had to endure a procession of wedding guests who came to see what they had been doing before doctors could turn up.

Unable to help, they had to transport the pair on a stretcher to the local hospital where she was given an injection to relax her muscles, allowing the best man to get free.

The wedding party in Varazdin, Croatia, continued after the groom announced the celebrations were to mark his divorce rather than his wedding, reported daily Slobodna Dalmacija.

www.ananova.com

A new study says fat men are less likely to stray than their thinner counterparts - but not through lack of opportunity.

The German survey found that overweight men are more faithful because they had less inclination towards risky sex.

Market researcher group Forsa say men of average weight are more than twice as likely to be unfaithful as fatter men.

Overweight men are not only less likely to cheat on their partners, but are also less likely to visit brothels or call sex hotlines.

One thousand German men between the ages of 31 and 69 were questioned by the researchers.

They found 23% of men in the "normal" weight category admitted to being interested in a bit on the side, while just 11% in the "fat" category said they would cheat on their wives or girlfriends.

A further 19 per cent of men considered "moderately overweight" said they would have an affair.

The researchers say that it is not a lack of opportunity that make heavy men a less risky option, but simply that their wish for risky sex decreases.

Sascha Rusch, an expert for men's health, said fat men were not less sexually active than their slimmer counterparts but they "seldom rise to the challenge of a sexual adventure".

Ananova.com

Welcome to you and yours to the all-new Cat Skinner, the page that has its claws out. It’s absolutely juicy, the things you see when you are not looking for gossip; it looks for you and finds you.

On Thursday night, Phat Queens Keit, Basi, Jabu, Millies and I went to the overrated Tamia concert courtesy of our delightful Chairman. All I can tell you is that Mafikizolo rocks and so stole my Afro hips away. There was the usual hum drum, hoity toity social climbers in the VIP booth. I just find that all these people are so plastic and go there for the free food and booze. But that story will have to wait until I land myself a full invite to the “booty booth”.

Interesting how Zwai and Melanie showed up together. Mel did look kind of lost and like her confidence levels had taken an enormous dip. Wouldn’t you also go that route if you were dumped by the classless Zwai who is in desperate need of a full make-over? His brother, Loyiso brought his tag along Bianca to the do and she was not impressed when Baby Lol was crooning at very close ranges with Tamia onstage. I know now that the Bala brothers need to learn the proper art of choosing a woman.

On our chauffer driven ride home, we drove next to none other than our beloved Nhlanhla (Nkhensani’s ex). It’s good to see that Miss Thang has ditched the novel she brought to cricket matches. What I’m curious to know is: Who was that smiley dude she was with? Rumour has it that Mr. Man works with Millies – the plot thickens. My curiosity was peaked when Nhla slid as low down that seat. Was she hiding from us or giving Mr. Man a good low time? So before curiosity kills the feline, I’d better leave it at that.

I am told by my reliable sources that our rubbish man was last seen in Kagiso picking up old dirt. I spent the weekend wondering and mulling: are the two back together? Did he go to see his kid? Are they just a convenient sexual outlet? You tell me.

Now please remember that this weekend is the Phatest party by far that Keit and I will host. Entry is by invitation only. If you did not get the invite, please don’t embarrass yourself and come. Next Friday, the 8^th, Muvhango will be hosting the monthly Fat Cats dinner. I cannot wait to see where the snazzy man will be taking us to.

Oh do misbehave; I’d love to have your story.

Nomie

webmaster

FAT CATS Chairman Lesiba Langa has bought himself a snazzy Golf 3 cabriolet. This much anticipated development finally happened on Friday 7 January 2005.

The chairman was seen parading his car at a birthday dinner arranged for his girlfriend, Keit Gorekwang at Jimmy’s Killer Prawns in Florida. Keit was celebrating her 24^th birthday, while Spliff celebrated his newly acquired set of wheels.

There has been a major boom in recent months with many Cats acquiring or changing their wheels. This trend seems likely to continue in the new-year.

Spliff has begun the trend for 2005, although he had also hoped to beat the new-year deadline. However that wasn’t to be as slowed negotiations with the dealer resulted in him only taking ownership of the wheels this past Friday.

A modest looking Spliff had this to say, “I have always wanted this car and it has definitely been worth the long wait.”

Could it be that the pressure of his girlfriend having a car finally got to him?

“It’s about time he got a car. I was tired of being driven home in everyone else’s cars,” mused Keit, who lives out in the East Rand.

Having gallivanted around town in “The Block” mobile, the couple grew accustomed to the beauty of owning a vehicle. It came as no surprise that they no longer could handle the stress of the South African public transport system.

Spliff follows in the steps of Muvhango, Tumi, Amos and Keit.

Fat Cats’ Legal Advisor, Muzi Kubheka also beat the new-year deadline when he purchased a luxurious BMW 325 CI. The new car is a massive step up from the run down, hand-me-down Golf that once belonged to his sister.

Thus last Friday was a real cause for celebration for the celebrity couple.

Fat Cats operations director Amos Mananyetso also joined in the celebration. He was celebrating his 27^th birthday - that was on Wednesday 5 January.

webmaster